2torial #0719:
Learn2 Host a Wedding Shower

A premarital affair

When your friend told you she was getting married, you blurted out, "I'll give you a shower!" Now you're wondering what that means, exactly, and worrying that you'll trip up. Do you need to provide tea, cucumber sandwiches, and plenty of giggling? Or maybe you and your coworkers want to honor a betrothed colleague, but don't really know if it's proper.

Fortunately, "proper" doesn't have to be an issue if you don't want it to be. While some traditional rules remain concerning wedding showers, they're mostly rules of good sense. For instance, you can take or leave the "women only" rule (men can even have their own showers), but you still shouldn't hold a shower at the house of the busy bride-to-be.

So whether you wear your host hat gladly or can't think what got into you, we'll show you how to plan a pleasing prenuptial party. (Hint: Keep the focus on your friend, and you'll do just fine.)

What is a shower? One story of the practice's origin has it that a Dutch girl married against her family's wishes and her father withheld her dowry. Siding with the girl, the townspeople got together and "showered" her with practical presents to make up the shortfall.

Showers do emphasize gifts, but they're really about a community showing its material and emotional support for a bride (or bridal couple). Today, the "community" can be anyone--the couple's female friends and relatives, coworkers, or just their nearest and dearest. The party can be anywhere--in your living room, at a day spa, or at the ballpark. And the gifts can be anything that the bride or couple might need or want--from power tools to frilly lingerie. If the shower shows the couple that their friends are behind them and their marriage, it's a success.

Who hosts a shower? Traditionally, the maid or matron of honor or one (or more) of the bridesmaids presides over a shower. Alternatively, a female friend or family member could host. Mothers and sisters could help plan, but they could not host--lest the family appear greedy for gifts. Nowadays, these prohibitions have faded considerably, but if you're worried about propriety in your circle, ask a few people whose opinions you trust.

Since hosting a shower entails a certain amount of both work and cost, you may want to share the role with other people.

Consult the bride and groom

If you're tempted to make the shower a surprise affair, don't. The bride and groom will be expecting a shower (so feigning nonchalance will be hard), and they'll be incredibly busy as the wedding draws near (so possibly unavailable). They're also the best people to ask when you're stuck for inspiration or information. Workplace showers may be an exception: They're usually not the main shower, so the surprise is easier to pull off.

Talk about presents. Even old-school etiquette mavens agree: It's proper to include gift registry information in the shower invitation. Ask the couple where they're registered, or else try to get a general sense of what they hope to receive at the shower and the wedding. As the host, you'll be the one that stymied shower guests turn to for gift ideas.

Make a guest list

The guest list should be made up in consultation with the bride and groom. Their shower shouldn't include anyone they don't want to see there, or exclude anyone they do. They can give you addresses and phone numbers, too. (See? They're already coming in handy.)

Who? Invite members of the wedding party, friends, and family--anyone who's especially close to the bride and groom. Guests invited to the shower should also have received an invitation to the wedding: It's considered rude to invite people to a shower but exclude them from the main festivities. An exception to this last rule is, again, workplace showers, which tend to be more informal events.

How many? Showers can consist of as few as four or five people, or as many as 30. More than that, and intimacy is lost: Guests should be able to have some contact with the guest(s) of honor.

Choose a time and place

Ideally, a shower should be held about a month or two before the wedding. If it's closer to the big day, it may make the weeks before the wedding too frantic.

Time of day. Traditionally, showers take place in the afternoon, but they can very easily be brunch, lunch, cocktail hour, or dinner affairs (you could even have a slumber party). Steer away from mealtimes if you don't want to serve a lot of food, and try to pick a time when most guests will be free.

Location. It's easier to say where a shower shouldn't be than where it should be. Anywhere but the bride or groom's home is fair territory, though the host's living room is a popular choice. If you don't want to prepare or coordinate the food yourself, book a restaurant or, if you have the money, hire a caterer. If the party is large, you may want to consider renting a space, like a church or community hall.

If you're booking a room or paying a caterer, you should expect to pay these costs. This is clearly an instance in which it would be preferable to have a co-host or two! If you're meeting in a restaurant, you may choose to treat the guests or have them pay for their own food (the guests of honor should always be treated). Simply stating "be our guest" or "please join us" in the invitation will make it clear who's picking up the tab.

Pick a theme

Themes, though not strictly necessary, can help guide guests' gift choices and the activities at the shower itself. They can be entertaining, such as a "roast" (where guests are invited to tell funny stories about the bride and groom), or practical, such as "kitchen" (gifts are kitchen items). A theme may be especially helpful for bridal couples who already live together: It may not be obvious what they need.

If you're stumped for theme ideas, wedding shower books and websites have many suggestions. Look in your library or bookstore, or type the words "wedding shower" into your Internet search engine.

Plan the activities and decorations

The main event of a shower is the gift opening, with accompanying oohs and aahs. Food and conversation--especially among those who are good friends--often suffice to fill up the rest of the time. However, you may wish to plan one or two activities to liven things up.

Play some games. Games are great icebreakers if some of your guests don't know each other. Books and websites on shower planning list a multitude of shower games. If the shower is for both bride and groom, a version of the "newlywed game" can be great fun: Each of them tries to answer a set of questions as they think the other would.

When many guests don't know each other, consider playing "who am I?": Anonymously, each guest writes on an index card a memory that he or she shares with the guest(s) of honor. Then the bride or groom has to read the cards aloud and guess who wrote each.

When choosing games, think of what the guests--the bride in particular--would enjoy. The best shower games are lighthearted and don't embarrass anyone.

Ask guests to share advice. Either pass around a blank book for guests to write in during the course of the shower, or ask each to share a favorite piece of marital advice aloud (have someone write these down for later presentation to the bride and groom).

Decorate--or not. If you're so inclined, decorate the room with flowers, candles, and accents in the bride's chosen wedding colors. Decoration is a nice touch, but it's not necessary to the party. Do it only if you enjoy it and have the time.

Plan the food

Try to prepare as much of the food in advance as possible. Avoid complicated dishes that can keep you in the kitchen and away from the fun.

Finger food is fab. Since many showers take place in living rooms, food that can be grazed from a central table or put on paper plates and eaten with the fingers tends to be most convenient. Think of crackers or bread and cheese, chips and dip or salsa, fruit and cut-up raw vegetables, and some sweets like candy and cake. Heartier dishes that can be prepared in advance include pasta and potato salads, a tray of sandwich fixings, and lasagna or other casserole-type dishes.

Think drinks. If you'll be serving wine or cocktails, also provide a variety of juices and sodas for anyone who doesn't drink alcohol. If you're serving coffee or tea, try to include a decaffeinated option, too.

Consider a potluck. If it's too much to handle, ask someone for help with the food, or make the shower into a potluck. Provide some basics yourself, and, in each invitation, suggest a type of food for each guest to bring (specify "appetizer" or "dessert," for example, rather than assigning a particular dish).

Send invitations

It's best to send invitations via mail or email, so guests have all the information in writing. Send them three or four weeks before the shower. Set the RSVP date one or two weeks before the shower. Include the following information:

• Name(s) of the guest(s) of honor

• Date and time of the shower

• Shower address (with a map if desired)

• Theme (if any)

• Registry information (if any)

• Host's name and phone number

• RSVP date

Let guests know if men or children are invited. If it's a potluck, enclose a separate note suggesting a type of dish to bring.

Play host

With good planning, the shower should run pretty smoothly. There are just a couple of important responsibilities that remain during the party.

Help people meet. Make sure you meet everyone yourself. Hand out nametags inscribed with people's names, and how they know the couple (for example "Ruth Ginsburg, groom's aunt"). Or gather all the guests early on, and ask each to tell who they are and how they know the bride and groom.

Coordinate a gift list. When the bride and groom open their gifts, have someone prepared to write down the name of the giver and what they gave.

Above all, relax and have fun. The shower itself is a gift of love and support to the bride and groom. Whatever happens is just icing on the wedding cake.

-end-